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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23418016">won't you come home (back to where your heart is)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandmetobewell/pseuds/commandmetobewell'>commandmetobewell</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers Needs a Hug, Alex Danvers-centric, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Loneliness, Pandemics, Stream of Consciousness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:07:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23418016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandmetobewell/pseuds/commandmetobewell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Danvers always served her country, whether it be locking up aggressive aliens or solving federal crimes. She's been on the front lines, wielding her armour, her guns, her courage—to defend Earth, her family. She's a solider, a fighter, a warrior. She defeats enemies with her fists and her wit, never afraid to run from danger.</p><p>But what happens when the enemy isn't visible?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane, Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>163</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>won't you come home (back to where your heart is)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>please stay home and stay safe &lt;3 i wrote this after one of my good friends in nursing described her experience working in one of the NY hospitals.</p><p>the song from the title is "Come Home" by Jon Foreman.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It comes in the mail a few weeks after cases reach 350,000.</p><p>Lucy is in the living room with Maggie, the two of them watching with rapt interest as images of overflowing emergency rooms and semi-truck morgues are filling the screen. The grim voice of tired reporters and interviews of bone-dead doctors serve as white noise to the desolate mood in the air. Alex is washing up their dishes, trying to not let the news dig under her skin. There's a knock on the door, and Alex tells her wives to stay seated as she bounds over, her gun tucked into her waistband.</p><p>She expects an alien or a criminal (because why not add that to the exponentially growing pandemic), but when she opens the door, it's to no one.</p><p>Frowning, Alex looks down to a brown envelope with her name on it. She picks it up, recognizing the seal instantly.</p><p>"Babe?" Maggie calls from the living room. "You okay?"</p><p>Alex ignores her call, instead ripping open the seal before drawing out the contents. She had an inkling once she saw the name of the university stamped on the front. Her fingers tremble as she draws out the parchment, thick and weighty, holding a new feeling than what she'd always felt.</p><p>It was a statement she never thought she'd see.</p><p>It was a life she had given up long, long ago.</p><p>It was a life she shoved under her years of armour, of training, of learning to take lives in order to save others. It was a life she held in the shadows of her mother's disappoint, in the swarming tides of the grief she held towards her father. It was the life she thought she would never have.</p><p>"Alex?" Lucy asks this time, a hand gently grazing her back. Alex blinks away from the paper and looks to both of her wives, knowing they've now followed her gaze to the sheet in her hands. Maggie frowns as she mouthes the words, not understanding the situation. When Alex looks to Lucy, however, she understands. Her wife's head cranes up, her eyes blurring with tears as Alex's shoulders slump, reality finally kicking in.</p><p>"Alex?" Maggie asks, her voice raw as she looks between them. "Luce? What's going on?"</p><p>Alex looks back down the paper, the volume of the news droning on in the background as more cases are announced.</p><p>And she reads:</p><p>
  <em>This is to certify that,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alexandra Elizabeth Danvers </em>
</p><p>
  <em>has completed the requirements set out by the American Board of Medical Examiners and the Governing Council of Stanford University to the degree of </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Doctor of Medicine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>in witness whereof we have subscribed our names and affixed the academic seal of the university.</em>
</p><p>"You didn't tell me you finished your residency," Lucy murmurs, "I thought you said—"</p><p>"I had a week left," Alex says as she hangs her head, "I guess they must've fast-tracked it."</p><p>"But why?" Maggie asks, confused, as she looks between them. "Why would they fast-track a degree from ten years ago?"</p><p>The news continues to garble in the background, spilling out more and more about  and Alex can only think back to when she'd seen the first videos coming out of China, of nurses and doctors screaming, of dead patients lying in hallways, of half-a-million populated ghost towns. She remembers thinking it all to be so surreal.</p><p>It could never happen here.</p><p>It shouldn't happen here.</p><p>But it is. </p><p>Before she can make a comment, she feels her pocket vibrate. She reaches inside, her heart dropping when she sees the contact name.</p><p>Without a single hesitation, she slides the accept button and holds the phone to her ear.</p><p>"Mom?"</p><p>There's a bit of static before her mother's tired voice replies, <em>"Alex, honey. I've got some news for you."</em></p><p>Alex looks back down to the paper, to the new title she can slot next to her PhD.</p><p>"You won't believe it, but so do I."</p><p>* * * </p><p>"So they're forcing you to go."</p><p>Alex looks up from where Kara is pacing around her living room. Eliza sits next to her, and beside her mother is Lena. Alex feels for her sibling, knowing that Kara can't be happy knowing the three closest women in her life—her family—are being told to fight an invisible enemy with little protection. Beside Kara, J'onn, Maggie, and Lucy all sit with their heads hung low, defeated and afraid, no doubt for the situation and their loved ones.</p><p>"We're doctors," Lena says softly, though Alex can hear the fear in her voice, too. "We have to go, Kara."</p><p>"I'm Supergirl!" Kara exclaims as she runs a hand through her hair. "The fortress might have something, this can't be how it happens…"</p><p>"I'm going into research with L-Corp," Eliza says with a calm voice, "I won't be on the front lines. Neither will Lena, not entirely at least."</p><p>"L-Corp is one of the leading companies developing a vaccine," Lena explains, "but I'll be coordinating my efforts with National City General to try and get my clinical trials approved. I'm working hand with the federal government, too. In the mean time, I will have to treat patients as a per diem doctor. I won't be in the line of fire, at least not directly."</p><p>A silence comes over the room as all eyes then turn to Alex.</p><p>"Al," Kara whispers hoarsely. "You're in research too, right?"</p><p>Alex looks up at her, tears in her eyes as she sighs before looking over to the parchment paper on her coffee table.</p><p>"They wouldn't award me the degree unless I was going to practice," Alex says as she looks to her mother and sister-in-law. "My medical experience is in infectious diseases and cardio-pulmonary departments. I did most of my residency in there. I will still be helping with Stanford's clinical trials, but they want me shipped to New York."</p><p>"What?" Maggie asks, her head snapping up in shock. "Why?"</p><p>Alex licks her lips and looks away for a moment before she quietly replies, "there's a reason why I was able to complete my degrees in a constrained time. I… I still have contacts with faculty in Stanford. I… I actually did a lot of diagnostics for them while still working here—still do, in fact. I never thought I would never get the degree…"</p><p>"It's all-hands-on-deck," Lena explains, and Alex can hear sympathy in her voice. "We're not going unprotected."</p><p>"No," J'onn cuts in next, his jaw set determinedly. "The D.E.O.'s medical facility has pledged 85% of our P.P.E. to be divided amongst the most needed hospitals in National City. We're also sending Dr. Hamilton and Dr. Xu with Alex to New York. Their expertise will be critical to the fight there. The rest of the D.E.O.'s medical staff will be displaced evenly amongst the state's most needed hospitals, ready to offer support where needed."</p><p>"I won't be alone," Alex says as she looks to her sister. "I'm not high-risk."</p><p>"You are," Kara snaps as she points to the television screen. "They're already reporting so many health-care deaths!"</p><p>"I won't die," Alex replies sternly, "I'll be careful, Kara. But if I can help, I have to."</p><p>"It's like conscription."</p><p>Alex's mouth shuts at the defeat in Lucy's voice. She looks to her other wife and sighs, "Luce…"</p><p>"No," Lucy murmurs as she stands, shaking her head sadly. "You're being forced to go, Kara's right. It's conscription." There's another pause before Lucy looks back to the television and sighs. She stands, rubbing her palms on her thighs before she looks back to the room with tears in her eyes.</p><p>"You'll be safe," Lucy urges as she steps into Alex's space. "Promise me you'll be safe."</p><p>"I've got temporary housing set up with Hamilton and Xu," Alex affirms with a nod, "I'll be okay. I'm not alone, Luce. I promise."</p><p>It's an empty promise, and even Lucy knows it. Hell, they all know it.</p><p>But she needs this assurance. They all do.</p><p>"I'll be okay," Alex repeats as she stands, drawing Lucy into her arms before looking over her shoulder to a devastated Maggie. She extends her arms outwards, and Maggie doesn't hesitate to barrel forward and wrap herself around the both of them. Alex closes her eyes as she wills herself to be strong, to not show her true fear, but to provide her lovers with the security she knows she also needs if she is going to get through this.</p><p>"I can help," Kara says after the women pull away briefly. "I can fly out medical supplies or do something?"</p><p>"No," Alex replies, ignoring the affronted look on her sister's face. "If you catch the virus and mutate it, we'll be doubly fucked. The safest thing for you to do is stay away from anyone and to keep yourself at home, Kara."</p><p>"But I'm immune—"</p><p>"We don't know yet," Alex stresses as she looks to Lena and her mother, noticing them both nodding in agreement. "Until then, you're grounded, Kara. I mean it. I know you usually don't like to listen to my orders, but this is serious."</p><p>"This is so messed up," Kara growls as she paces, "I have to protect you, there has to be something I can do—"</p><p>"Support them," Alex says as she walks over to her sister and draws her into her arms. "Give speeches, tell people to stay home. Please."</p><p>She knows Kara is uncomfortable with the idea of not using her powers, but Alex can see the recognition and seriousness dawning in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, Kara nods before she looks up to Alex with a pained expression. Before either of them can speak, Kara barrels forward and wraps her in a strong hug. Alex's arms wind around Kara's midsection before she sighs, closing her eyes as she takes in the comforting scent of her sister.</p><p>"I love you," Alex whispers as she strokes Kara's hair. "No matter what happens, I'll always love you—"</p><p>"You aren't gonna die—"</p><p>"I won't," Alex says as she smiles faintly before kissing Kara's temple. "You really think me, the badass Director of the Department of Extranormal Operations, who's taken down aliens twice my size with little less than a pistol and my bare hands, is going to get beaten by a virus? Not a chance in Hell, Kara."</p><p>Kara chuckles at that, even though the sound is watery and clogged. They both know what could happen, what has been happening.</p><p>No amount of prayer or good luck or well wishes will ever change the uncertainty of the next few weeks, possibly months.</p><p>"Stay safe," Kara murmurs as she curls into Alex's side. "I love you, Alex."</p><p>* * *</p><p>She gets a call from the director of New York General, the hospital she's been stationed at and given the brief. </p><p>Alex takes the call in her office, behind closed doors and with her headphones in. He tells her the gravity of the situation, of the overflowing I.C.U. and the lack of ventilators. He doesn't candy-coat the desperation and the hopelessness in his voice, but he wills himself to be honest and true. Alex listens, takes notes, provides advice where she can, and he takes it with gratitude and appreciation. Drs. Hamilton and Xu, also on the call, chime in where they can, but Alex can tell they are also apprehensive. Hamilton is approaching her late-fifties, and Xu has pre-existing health conditions.</p><p><em>"We'll work through this,"</em> the director sighs over the phone, <em>"we must."</em></p><p>"You are not alone in this fight," Alex rushes to reassure him, even if she feels the words are empty. She picks at a loose thread on the hem of her sweater as she takes a deep breath and nods at him. "Take strength in that, doctor."</p><p>He nods and smiles faintly. "<em>It's good to have you on board, Dr. Danvers."</em></p><p>"Please," Alex chuckles airily. "Dr. Danvers is my mother. I still don't think of myself like that."</p><p>There's a moment of silence before the director nods, promptly wishing them both a safe flight tomorrow morning.</p><p>Hamilton and Xu both wish her a good night before hanging up. When Alex finally puts the phone down, she looks to the photo on her desk, to the picture of her family, full of smiles and happiness, and she finds her resolve.</p><p>If not for the nation, then for them.</p><p>She will protect them, as she always has done.</p><p>* * * </p><p>"Got everything packed?" </p><p>Alex looks up from where she's finishing zipping up her suitcase before she smiles at Lucy and Maggie lingering in the doorway. </p><p>"Yeah, took back my Batman briefs."</p><p>"Awh," Lucy teases mirthfully, "those were my favourite pair."</p><p>Alex shrugs, heaving the bag off the bed and onto the floor. "They are my lucky pair."</p><p>And just like that, the mood settles again. She doesn't look up, not even when Lucy's hands wind around her middle, or Maggie's breath is on her neck. She doesn't respond right away as they turn her around, pressing kisses into her skin and murmuring words of strength and love into her lips. She only moves when their hands ghost under her shirt, when their fingers tap a rhythm against her chest, into her heart, when she feels them loving her.</p><p>"Be with us," Maggie whispers as she is led to the bed. "Tonight, Alex. Be with us."</p><p>Alex looks to them both, the two most beautiful women she's seen, the loves of her life, and she smiles.</p><p>Neither Lucy or Maggie need an affirmation before Alex leans up and kisses Maggie's lips. Lucy hums in pleasure from behind, her hands already working their way down Alex's front, shucking down her sweats and finding the heat and warmth between her thighs. Alex gasps into Maggie's lips as she's pushed onto her back, with the two women ravaging her in a mess of devotion and desperation. Alex focuses in on the love and the strength, on the hope she feels radiating from their feather-light touches and electric kisses. She loses herself in the familiar motions of their fingers and tongue.</p><p>She comes four times that night, and when it's over, Alex wishes she could replay it infinitely.</p><p>That night, she sleeps a dreamless sleep.</p><p>The last one she'll have in a long, long time.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Kara sees her off at the airport with her wives, alongside J'onn, Lena, and Eliza. The D.E.O. had arranged for private transportation of the leaving doctors and other health-care physicians. It seems rather bleak, Alex thinks, as she stays donned in her D.E.O.-issued uniform.</p><p>Militaristic, even.</p><p>She watches as Hamilton kisses her wife before taking her two teenaged daughters into her arms and hugging them tightly. Xu does the same with his family, and Alex feels her heart pull at the tears streaming down his wife's face as they hug and cry together. Looking away, Alex turns her attention back to her own family. Setting her bag down, Alex turns first to J'onn, reaching out to give him a tight hug.</p><p>"Make sure they're safe," she whispers into his ear as he rubs her back, "you too, okay?"</p><p>"Of course," J'onn says quietly, nodding as he leans back to clap her shoulder. "Take care of yourself out there, Alex. If there's anything…"</p><p>"I know," Alex says, though she knows she can't mean it. J'onn sighs and steps aside, revealing Eliza and Lena standing together. Alex reaches out and tugs her mother into an embrace while looking over her shoulder to Lena. In her mind, she's grateful Lena swooped in and took Eliza from the front-line fight. After losing her father, she isn't sure she could quite get over the death of her mother, either. She burrows into Eliza's strong arms, sighing.</p><p>"I love you," Eliza says, her voice cracking as she hugs Alex tighter. "I'm proud of you, baby, and I know you'll do great out there."</p><p>Unable to reply for the fear of bursting into tears, Alex resigns to nodding instead. She clutches onto her mother for a moment longer before she feels Eliza pull back with a sniffle. Holding back her own tears, she tugs Lena into her arms next, hugging her sister-in-law firmly before she pecks her forehead. Lena burrows into her arms and sighs into her shoulder mournfully.</p><p>"Take care of Kara," Alex murmurs as she squeezes Lena's arm. "Keep her grounded. She'll want to help…"</p><p>"But she can't," Lena sighs before leaning back with a sad nod. "I know."</p><p>"Stay safe," Alex says before glancing at her teary-eyed mother. "You too, Mom."</p><p>The two women nod before moving back, allowing for Kara to step forward. Alex looks at her nervous sibling and sighs before she is rocked back on her feet, swept up in Kara's powerful hug. She can feel her sister shaking in her arms as she struggles to calm down. Alex buries her face into Kara's neck, knowing full and well that there is a strong chance it will be months before they are reunited. Alex refuses to cry, to let her fear become known, even if she knows Kara can probably sense it.</p><p>"Don't be a hero," Kara whispers into her ear, "come back to us, Alex. You will, right?"</p><p>Alex smiles and nods, hiding her tears in the crook of Kara's neck. "Yeah, I will. I promise."</p><p>"I love you," Kara says as she pulls back and wipes at her tears. "You need anything and you call, okay?"</p><p>Alex nods and smiles again, but it falls from her lips as she claps Kara's shoulder. "Always, kid. I love you, Kar."</p><p>Kara moves back with another sniffle before allowing both Maggie and Lucy to bound forward. Alex wraps them tightly in her arms as she feels them both breathing heavy with anguish and sorrow into her neck. She knows whatever strength she had is going to fade eventually. When she thinks of her family, of where she is going, she wants to drop her bag and stay home.</p><p>But she can't. </p><p>She has to protect her family, and this is the only way to do it.</p><p>"I'll be okay," Alex says softly, kissing each of their foreheads. "I love you so much, okay? Stay here and stay safe."</p><p>"Call us everyday," Maggie says through sniffles as she leans up to kiss her passionately. "Even if it's just for a moment."</p><p>"Don't make me fly up there myself," Lucy chides next, but the humour in her voice, "because you know I will, Danvers."</p><p>"Yeah, I do. Don't worry," Alex says as she kisses Lucy next, "I'll be home before you know it."</p><p>All three of them refuse to acknowledge the uncertainty in her voice, but perhaps it's for the best.</p><p>With a final farewell to her family, Alex turns and follows the D.E.O. doctors onto the private plane. </p><p>* * * </p><p>Five hours and forty minutes later, Alex finds herself in the hotel's conference room with physicians from all over the state. </p><p>She takes her standard, two-metered seat beside Hamilton and Xu as the director of New York General walks into the makeshift board room with a dozen exhausted-looking physicians and researchers. The other recruited doctors and evenly displaced in the room, leaving enough space while still bordering on worrisome. Alex shifts in her seat, clicking her pen nervously as she flips open her notepad and hazards a wary glance at Dr. Hamilton, who looks somewhat nervous.</p><p>"First of all, I want to thank you all for coming," the director croaks as he takes his seat. His voice is strained, and Alex can't imagine the pressure on his weary shoulders. "This wasn't an easy decision to make, but we're appreciative of all the help we can receive from the federal government in these trying times. Our military has managed to take in and treat the more mild cases of the illness, but we are struggling with those in critical care and the I.C.U."</p><p>He clears his throat before clicking on his computer, projecting a slide.</p><p>"The mandated self-isolation has helped to stop the spread of the illness, but this data can only be taken with a grain of salt. We aren't able to go into the homes of those isolated to see how much within-groups spreading there is. We can only hope that those at home who are sick are aware and able to quarantine themselves away from their family members, especially those who are most vulnerable. Despite keeping people in, we still see non-disease related incidents coming into our emergency rooms."</p><p>"Heart attacks, strokes, falls in the home," one of the other tired-looking doctors lists as he wearily gazes out into the crowd. "We are doing our best to treat these patients, but with the overflowing number of cases, we are struck with hard decisions."</p><p>"Surely it can't be there yet," Dr. Hamilton says, frowning. "You must have at least enough beds to keep people safe."</p><p>"For now, but in a few days, it'll be a different story," the doctor replies as he hangs his head. "We've done all we can."</p><p>"What about contact tracing?" Alex asks as she glances up to the director. "Do we know where the spread is in the hospital?"</p><p>"Dr. Danvers,"—<em>the title still feels so uncomfortable to hear</em>—"we don't have enough testing kits."</p><p>"Our jobs are going to be a lot harder if we can't isolate the virus," Dr. Xu cuts in next. "We <em>must</em> keep testing—"</p><p>"These are all moot points if we're cut off from the supply," the director cuts in, his voice raw. He rubs at the scruff on his jaw before he sighs and looks around to everyone. "We are doing what we can with what we have. We pulled you all in because we are needing more support to our most vulnerable sectors. Far too many of our own healthcare professionals have fallen ill or have died because of this virus. We need your help to contain it as best we can."</p><p>Alex mulls over the words before she lets the reality set in.</p><p>"The gravity of the situation is not lost on any of us," the director says as he leans back and looks to the doctors in the room. "There is a chance you will be stationed here for weeks, possibly months. There is a chance that some of you will get sick, and there is an equal chance of death. We are recognizing your sacrifice and your service in coming here and helping our people."</p><p>Alex swallows thickly as she looks down to her blank notepad.</p><p>"You will be taken back to your residencies and tomorrow will be given assignment to your allocated wards. That will be all, good night."</p><p>Everyone filters out of the room slowly, but Alex doesn't move.</p><p>Her eyes stay fixated on the blank notepad in front of her, stagnant and cold.</p><p>* * *</p><p>
  <em>"Did you get in okay?"</em>
</p><p>Alex rubs her face as she lays in bed, staring at the pixelated image of her wives on the screen of her phone. Maggie and Lucy stare back at her anxiously as she settles in for bed, trying to keep the meeting notes at bay.</p><p>"Yeah," Alex replies as she lays down and holds her phone up. "First shift is tomorrow. Thirteen hours."</p><p><em>"Ouch,"</em> Maggie says with a wince. <em>"You got everything you need?"</em></p><p>Alex hazards a glance towards the sanitized bag of P.P.E. from the D.E.O. and sighs. "Enough… for now."</p><p><em>"Okay, well let us know if there is anything you need,"</em> Lucy replies, her fingers reaching out to touch the screen. <em>"We're here for you, Danvers. You know that you're not alone in this fight. Reach out and talk to us, okay?"</em></p><p>Alex wants to tell her that it isn't that easy, that what she is about to see is the equivalent of a war zone.</p><p>But she doesn't need to say it for Lucy to understand, because when she looks into the camera, she can see her wife is staring back at her with a knowing sense of empathy. Alex sucks in a deep breath and instead smiles shakily.</p><p>"Keep Kara out of trouble for me, okay?" She says, hoping the quiver in her voice doesn't betray her. Maggie and Lucy both exchange worried glances, and Alex knows she wasn't as successful as she'd thought she'd been.</p><p><em>"Yeah,"</em> Maggie says as she nuzzles closer to Lucy. <em>"You just take care of yourself out there, babe."</em></p><p>"Will do," Alex replies resolutely, offering another shaky smile. "Love you guys."</p><p>
  <em>"We love you too, sweetheart."</em>
</p><p>"Goodnight, Luce. Goodnight, Mags."</p><p>
  <em>"Night, Al."</em>
</p><p>* * * </p><p>Alex knew her first shift would be rough.</p><p>She'd been briefed on the situation for pity's sake.</p><p>But everything she had imagined, everything she had read and seen on the news, it doesn't compare to real life.</p><p>"Good God," Hamilton whispers under her breath as they walk through an over-crowded I.C.U. with horror striking their features. Alex suddenly feels nothing like the badass Director than she has grown to become. Instead, she feels herself shrinking in the light of exhausted doctors, crying patients, and sluggish nurses trying to help everyone.</p><p>"Well," Xu mutters next as he draws a sharp breath. "Let's get to work."</p><p>* * * </p><p>In the first four hours she spends in the I.C.U., seven people die.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Alex sits in the locker room, now dressed in her civvies after a deep, thorough clean.</p><p>And yet, as she looks to her hands, scrubbed raw and chapped, she doesn't see anything resembling clean.</p><p>She only sees blood, death, and despair.</p><p>* * * </p><p>
  <em>"How was your first day?"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Alex?"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"You… you want to sit in silence, babe?"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Al, honey?"</em>
</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>
  <em>"Okay, Alex, we can do that. We'll be right here, honey."</em>
</p><p>* * * </p><p>The next week isn't any different.</p><p>Alex is assisting with intubation one minute and declaring time of death the next. She's holding hands of wailing and wheezing patients, calling out feverishly for loved ones with what little breath they have. She holds their hands and does her best to stay grounded, to tell them they're not alone, that they are loved, that the next part won't hurt.</p><p>She repeats the process until she's numb.</p><p>* * * </p><p>She's in the locker room again.</p><p>Her hands are clean.</p><p>(But they're not, though).</p><p>* * *</p><p>Alex calls Lucy and Maggie two hours ahead of her usual time.</p><p>Lucy's eyes are wide with surprise when she answers on the second ring with a breathless, <em>"Alex?"</em></p><p>"I'm okay," Alex replies, even though she's far from okay and she can tell Lucy can tell. There are rings around her mouth from the masks and her skin is peeling from the amount of time she's scrubbed herself down. Hamilton walks around their common space, on the phone with her children and her spouse, talking in quiet, hushed tones of worry.</p><p>"I'm okay," Alex says again, as if she is repeating it for herself and not for her worried wife—<em>wives</em>, she corrects—as she watches Maggie quickly rush in behind Lucy, a towel still wrapped on her head and water droplets on her face.</p><p><em>"Hi,"</em> Maggie says, taking the phone, <em>"it's so good to see you, Al."</em></p><p>Alex nods, taking a deep breath as she feels her heartstrings tug. "I miss you. I… It's been rough here."</p><p>It's all she can say without affording to break down again.</p><p>Maggie seems to sense the finality in her words and nods<em>. "We're okay, Al. What do you need from us?"</em></p><p>Alex gulps, looks up to where Hamilton is slumped on the kitchen table with her head in her hands, gentle sobs leaving her shoulders as places her phone down on the table. She glances past her to where Xu is staring out of the window like a ghost has passed through him. She can't believe it's only been two weeks and they're already losing it.</p><p>
  <em>"Alex?"</em>
</p><p>Blinking out of her trance, Alex directs her attention back to her worried wives.</p><p>Maggie and Lucy look to her worriedly, waiting for her to reply. Alex clears her throat, desperate as she rasps,</p><p>"Stay home, please, and stay safe."</p><p>* * * </p><p>At the end of the month, they've lost one hundred and two patients.</p><p>Alex doesn't cry.</p><p>Her calls to Lucy and Maggie become shorter and sharper.</p><p>Things are changing.</p><p>(Not for the better).</p><p>* * * </p><p>On the first Friday of the next month, Alex is on shift at the E.R. and is faced with a dilemma she'd never imagined.</p><p>A call comes in about a teenager who's gotten into a bike accident while on the way to get groceries.</p><p>Shattered ribs, internal bleeding, subdural hematoma, collapsed lung.</p><p>Needs a ventilator.</p><p>Only, there are no ventilators left.</p><p>Alex has to watch the boy look at her with glazed, fearful eyes and bloodied, red lips. She has to watch him wheeze and plead and cry because he can't breathe—<em>Goddamnit</em> he can't breathe and he's so young and so afraid.</p><p>Alex draws the curtains closed around him, tells him to close his eyes and focus on her voice.</p><p>She administers a sedative and his eyes close and he calls for his mother.</p><p>But his mother can't come because the I.C.U. is flooded with virus patients and they can't afford more transmission.</p><p>* * * </p><p>He dies in the absence of his family, in the absence of love, and this time, Alex has actual blood on her hands.</p><p>He dies alone because Alex can't risk anyone else.</p><p>* * *</p><p>
  <em>"Alex?"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, you haven't called us in two days and we're getting worried."</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Please, Alex, if you can't say anything, can you at least nod your head so Mags and I know you're not catatonic?!"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Alex…"</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>"Please…"</em>
</p><p>* * * </p><p>"I don't know how much longer I can do this."</p><p>Alex startles at the rasp of Xu's voice as he throws the couch pillow across the room. His eyes are bloodshot and bags hang under them like weights. Alex wants to comfort him, to reach up and assure him that things are going to get better, that they're in the peak, that things are supposed to flatten, things are supposed to improve, but she can't.</p><p>Because last month, she was thinking the same thing.</p><p>"I can't keep watching them die," Xu cries out as he collapses to his knees. "It's not fair, God, it's not fair, they're asking for family, for their loved ones, and we can only hold their hands and hope to God they aren't in pain when they go. How can this be? How can we be expected to fight something we can't see without any weapons or armour?!"</p><p>Hamilton is silent beside her, unable to reply. Alex isn't fairing any better.</p><p>"It's bullshit," Xu replies again, his voice cracking as he hangs his head and sobs. "It's not fair."</p><p>It isn't.</p><p>But the next day they go to work.</p><p>And the next day more people die.</p><p>The cycle doesn't end.</p><p>* * * </p><p>After a gruelling nineteen-hour shift and three hours of sleep over the course of last two nights, Alex hears from Kara. It's not a phone-call, because Alex has ignored seven of those because she's too tired and too sad and too hurt.</p><p><strong>Kara [02:34am]:</strong> I know you're awake, Alex. I can hear your heart beating. Please reply so I know you're okay.</p><p>Alex looks at the message through blurred vision. She can hear Hamilton crying in the next room. Xu is yelling again.</p><p>She doesn't text back.</p><p><strong>Kara [02:36am]:</strong> Please, Alex. I'm worried about you.</p><p>Alex turns over and looks up to the ceilings, her mouth growing dry as Hamilton's cries get louder.</p><p>They must be all growing insane.</p><p>Her cell buzzes again, Kara's familiar ringtone filling the space between the silence and the cries.</p><p>She doesn't pick up.</p><p>Kara doesn't text back until the morning.</p><p><strong>Kara [07:36am]:</strong> I love you. Please be careful.</p><p>(And even then, she ignores it as she puts on her gear and heads back into battle).</p><p>* * *</p><p>Usually, Alex only acts as the ferryman for those above fifty.</p><p>But this time, the wheezing, gasping, pleading patient, is her age.</p><p>She's a woman, a woman who looks too much like Maggie and a woman who is pleading to her in garbled, wheezing Spanish about her son who's only three who's alone because her husband died of the virus two days ago and<em> please Lord save my son, he'll be alone and he will need someone to take care of him and I love him so much, I love him</em>—</p><p>She dies in the middle of a prayer and Alex waits a moment before she finishes it for her in Spanish.</p><p>Determinedly, she searches the registry after she's moved to one of the ice trucks outside. She finds the boy, Gabriel Rodriguez. She goes to call up his registered guardians, only to see their names as deceased. Grandparents, died four weeks ago. She sends out a call for a social worker to come by his aunt's house, but the social worker's face is grim.</p><p>Alex's hearing is fuzzy because Gabriel isn't at home with his aunt.</p><p>Gabriel is here, in the I.C.U. in the paediatrics unit and he's sick.</p><p>Alex doesn't hesitate to rush upwards after she's scrubbed down, praying for his mother's sake, for his family's sake that this little boy still has a chance to live a life without strain, without loss, without the pain of being alone.</p><p>She tries to find a hope in her heart, and she's grateful to find that he's not on a ventilator.</p><p>He looks at her like she's crazy when she starts crying and smiling and thanking God for his life.</p><p>But then, just as quickly as the moment comes, it shatters only moments later when she realizes this boy is alone.</p><p>* * * </p><p>This time, Alex calls Maggie and Lucy as soon as she comes home.</p><p>Before either of them can speak, she's blurting out, "I found this boy, he's this gorgeous boy and he's all alone and he's so lovely, and his whole family is gone, and Maggie, Lucy, this boy has so much to live for and he's all alone."</p><p>And Lucy is hushing her as the words come tumbling out, tears in her eyes as she rasps, <em>"Alex, slow down."</em></p><p>"Please," Alex croaks as the tears slide down her cheeks, the first in so long, "please, I've said goodbye to so many people. I've seen more people die here than I have on the frontlines, Luce. I can't let this boy die. I can't let him go through a life without love. I promised his mother, Lucy. She looked just like Mags, Luce, she was so beautiful, so young and so fiercely protective of her boy and I can't let him go through what you went through, Mags…"</p><p><em>"Okay,"</em> Maggie whispers as she cries on the other line, <em>"what do you want us to do?"</em></p><p>"When he gets out," Alex stammers through ugly sobs, "when he gets out, can we take him in? Please…"</p><p>Lucy and Maggie exchange a look and Alex knows they're probably thinking she's crazy.</p><p>Only, they don't say that.</p><p>They don't say that because they've been talking about kids for months now, and had this whole virus thing hadn't happened, Alex knows they'd be looking into donors or adoption or something—anything to complete their family. Alex's hope spreads inside of her chest as she looks to her wives, praying she can convey the unspoken message.</p><p>
  <em>Please, give us this. Give us something good to believe in.</em>
</p><p>It's a tense moment of silence before Lucy nods resolutely and Maggie's eyes narrow protectively.</p><p><em>"Give us his name and information,"</em> Maggie says as she clasps Lucy's hand over the table. <em>"He'll be ours, Danvers."</em></p><p>Alex sobs in relief as she hangs her head. For the first time in months, she's genuinely happy.</p><p>"His name is Gabriel," she stumbles through the words, "just like the angel, Mags."</p><p>* * * </p><p>Alex goes back to work the next day, a spring in her step.</p><p>She practically pleads with the director to take over a few hours in paediatrics, and he obliges only because he's running on fumes and Alex is one of his best doctors and even she needs to have a break, too. She spends hours with Gabriel, telling him jokes, reading him stories, showing him pictures of Maggie and Lucy and Kara and Lena. He tells her his favourite animal is an elephant because his favourite movie <em>Dumbo</em> even if it makes him cry. Alex tells him jokes and stories and does funny voices and Gabriel laughs but it's a wheeze and Alex hovers over him protectively, monitoring his temperature, his lungs, his heart. He grips onto her forearm and he looks up at her with his doe eyes.</p><p>He's young, she reminds herself, he's strong.</p><p>He will pull through.</p><p>(He has to, because if he doesn't, Alex isn't sure what she can hold onto anymore).</p><p>* * *</p><p>"I'm worried about you."</p><p>Alex looks up from where she's dozing off against the kitchen table, her mouth irritated from the constant seal of the mask around her chin and nose. She blinks up at a haggard-looking Hamilton with a confused expression.</p><p>"About what?"</p><p>"The boy," Hamilton says cryptically. "You're spending a lot of time with him."</p><p>"We're adopting him," Alex says, her voice low and defensive as she rises on wobbly feet. "He's going to be ours."</p><p>"Alex…," Hamilton warns with a weary sigh. "You know the first rule of being a doctor? You have to dissociate."</p><p>"Good thing I'm not a doctor—"</p><p>"But that's the thing," Hamilton growls as she steps into Alex's space. "You <em>are</em> a doctor now, Alex. He is a patient—"</p><p>"He's going to be my—"</p><p>"Son?" Hamilton scoffs, shaking her head sadly. "Alex, please think about what you're saying. You're <em>tired</em>—"</p><p>"He lost his family," Alex snarls as she shoves a finger into Hamilton's shoulder. "I can give him something, for God's sake, we've spent the last five months watching people die, making decisions on who gets a ventilator or now, on letting these sad, depressed, scared people slip through the cracks alone and terrified and <em>for fuck's sake</em> can't we have one good thing, one beautifully good thing to come out of all this horror because if there can't be then what hope do we have for the future?" Alex is crying now, and so is Hamilton, and so is Xu from his perch at the window.</p><p>"What hope is there?" Alex rasps as she slumps back down and shakes her head. "If I can't save him?"</p><p>Hamilton doesn't answer. Xu turns away.</p><p>Alex knows they're right. Knows she's digging herself deeper into the rabbit hole.</p><p>But she needs this.</p><p>She needs hope.</p><p>* * *</p><p>"Alex?"</p><p>She blinks up at the raspy voice of the little boy she's come to grow and love. She frowns when she notices the slight crackling in his breathing from under the oxygen mask on his face. Gabriel looks up at her with a drowsy expression.</p><p>"Hey kiddo," Alex hums as she sets her clipboard down. "Feeling okay?"</p><p>Gabriel's little chest heaves upwards as he sucks in a breath. "T-Tired."</p><p>"Okay," Alex says as she takes in his blood oxygen. It's low, but not alarming.</p><p>Not yet.</p><p>"Let's get these blinds shut and get you some shut-eye," Alex says, masking the fear in her voice as she tucks the covers up his warm body. She checks his temperature and he's running a moderate fever. She administers some acetaminophen through his IV before she leans over and squeezes his shoulder encouragingly. "Love you, kiddo."</p><p>Gabriel smiles as he drifts off to sleep, a content smile on his face.</p><p>Alex feels the word stop spinning at the sight.</p><p>And for the first time in so long, she feels at peace.</p><p>* * * </p><p>
  <em>"I can't believe you haven't called me in months and the first thing you want to tell me is you're adopting!"</em>
</p><p>Alex rubs her tired face as Kara rambles on the other end of the phone, wide-eyed and excited. She can feel Hamilton's stern glare and Xu's stiffened shoulders from the other end of the room as she retreats to her bedroom. She sets her phone on charge and strips to her pajamas, ignoring Kara's flustered commotion about privacy.</p><p><em>"Seriously,"</em> Kara mutters as she hides her eyes,<em> "do you have to do that on the phone? What if the F.B.I. catch you?"</em></p><p>Alex chuckles, paying her no mind. "At least they'll get a free show. Someone should have some fun."</p><p>Kara's face scrunches up. <em>"Gross, Alex."</em></p><p>Alex sticks her tongue out, feeling a youthful energy take over her for the first time in a long time. She feels lighter, happier, like she's not saying goodbye to ten patients every hour and taking their bodies out like a conveyer belt.</p><p>Kara clears her throat. <em>"So… does Eliza know?"</em></p><p>Alex shakes her her head as she collapses onto her bed with a groan. "I haven't had a chance to call her yet."</p><p>There's a pause before Kara sighs. <em>"She misses you, you now. She's worried because you haven't called."</em></p><p>"She doesn't need to be."</p><p>Another pause, longer this time.</p><p><em>"So…,"</em> Kara says as she looks to Alex curiously, <em>"other than this major life decision, how are you?"</em></p><p>Alex holds her hand up, shaking her head with a smile. "I'm okay, Kara. Things are going well."</p><p>Her voice is too sweet. Her tone is too casual.</p><p>Kara can tell she's lying, even when she can't tell it herself.</p><p>But Kara doesn't question because Kara doesn't want to be left alone again and Alex doesn't bring light to the fact that <em>in reality</em>, she's actually barely hanging on by a thread and <em>in reality</em>, Alex's sanity is barely existent at this point.</p><p>Instead, she talks of Gabriel, of her plans with her son, of bringing him home to Maggie and Lucy.</p><p>She speaks of family.</p><p>(She speaks too soon).</p><p>* * * </p><p>It's like she never learns.</p><p>By now, Alex should know, good things never last long.</p><p>* * * </p><p>The next morning, Alex has a stuffed elephant under her arm and smile on her lips as she enters Gabriel's room.</p><p>Only this time, his bed is made and his bed is empty and Gabriel is gone.</p><p>Alex doesn't think much of it, thinks he's been moved out of the I.C.U. and to the regular ward.</p><p>But then, she's talking to the director, and he's telling her to sit down, and to offer her some water, and to call her wives or her sister, or Hamilton or Xu because she shouldn't hear this news alone. But Alex clutches onto the elephant and looks on in confusion as the director sighs and he leads her to the morgue and to the small body inside the too-large body-bag on a steel gurney that is much too cold (and Gabriel hated being cold) and he's speaking—</p><p>But Alex isn't listening, because this can't be real.</p><p>It can't be real as the bag is wheeled away, off to the ice trucks like he was never a boy, only an object.</p><p>A pawn in the greater battle of this never-ending war.</p><p>And then it hits her, as they transfer him to the truck with hardly a moment's hesitation.</p><p>Gabriel died alone, without the touch or the comfort of another human, without his mothers, without anyone.</p><p>He was a little boy.</p><p>He was an angel.</p><p>He <em>is</em> an angel.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Alex is told to go home and take the rest of the day to grieve.</p><p>But she doesn't.</p><p>She doesn't do anything except stare at her hands for eighteen hours at the kitchen table. She doesn't hear when Hamilton comes in and drops her bag down by the door and take a seat beside her or when Xu slides onto the couch with a tired and mournful sigh. She doesn't look at either of them as Hamilton speaks about food and water and rest.</p><p>She doesn't deserve any of that.</p><p>She said she would be there for him.</p><p>She said that she loved him.</p><p>But she lied.</p><p>* * * </p><p>She ignores Maggie's calls. She doesn't answer Lucy's texts.</p><p>Kara sends her a damned email because she isn't replying to her phone.</p><p>Alex ignores all of it as she lays in bed, the elephant clutched her chest, silent tears sliding down her cheeks.</p><p>* * * </p><p>The next days turn Alex into a zombie.</p><p>She pulls her crazy shifts, working fruitlessly to keep the ten deaths an hour from rising to twenty. She doesn't sleep much and she hardly eats, and she knows she's lost weight because her fitted mask no longer fits right anymore. Her clothes slide off her shoulders and her cheeks are hollow and her mouth is dry and her eyes are burning but she's numb inside and she's trying to just slow the deaths, slow the losses, slow the corpses going to the trucks.</p><p>She's trying, but she can only give so much.</p><p>When she comes home, Hamilton is passed out on the kitchen table and Xu is drinking scotch from the bottle on the couch as he stares at the blank TV. She goes to the kitchen and pulls out her own bottle and joins him silently.</p><p>"I thought you decided on giving up drinking," Xu muses through slurred words. "No more cold turkey, eh?"</p><p>Alex shakes her head, downing a shot with hardly a wince. "No point now, huh?"</p><p>Xu looks back to his bottle with a sad chuckle. "Think we'll find an answer to all of this at the bottom, kid?"</p><p>Alex gazes over at him and swallows down her grief. She clinks the glass against his and smiles, but it's empty.</p><p>"Why don't we find out?"</p><p>* * *</p><p>That night, or rather early that morning, Alex drunk calls Kara.</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, finally you picked up the phone and called me—"</em>
</p><p>"Kara, my sister Kara, sweet <em>super</em> Kara," she slurs through raspy giggles. "My sister Kara, heh."</p><p>But Kara isn't laughing and Kara isn't smiling because Kara is stone-faced as she asks, <em>"Alex, are you drunk?"</em></p><p>"No shift tomorrow," Alex replies with an airy chuckle. "Drank with Xu."</p><p>
  <em>"Alex."</em>
</p><p>"<em>Alex</em>," she repeats with another giggle, "why do you say my name like that? You disappointed too, kid?"</p><p>Kara's mouth slides shut in surprise. Alex shakes her head, feeling fuzzy and warm. "Wouldn't be the first time."</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, maybe I should call Mags and Luce—"</em>
</p><p>"Why?" Alex growls as she glares into the phone. "They didn't fuckin' call me, did they?"</p><p><em>"Alex, </em>you've<em> been the one ignoring their calls. God, you're drunk and you need rest—"</em></p><p>"Don't you fucking tell me what I need—"</p><p>
  <em>"Alex—"</em>
</p><p>"I'm tired, okay?!" Alex snaps as she feels tears burn at her eyes. "I'm tired, Kara. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I'm so damned hungry, but I can't eat. I'm thirsty, but I can't drink anything but poison because that's what <em>I</em> am, Kara."</p><p>
  <em>"Alex—"</em>
</p><p>"Let me finish," Alex says, shaking her head as she leans up on her bed. "Let me <em>fucking</em> finish, for once. I don't want your pity, Kara. I don't want your sympathy or your kindness or anything. Because here's the thing, okay? Listen up."</p><p>She doesn't give Kara the chance to reply before she hiccups, "listen carefully. I kill people—"</p><p>
  <em>"Alex—"</em>
</p><p>"I said <em>listen</em>," Alex snaps as she sways her head. "Please… <em>please</em> just listen."</p><p>Kara is wise this time, and she keeps her mouth shut. Alex takes a breath, burps quietly, and then continues.</p><p>"I kill people," she repeats, her voice still shaky. "It was what I was trained to do. The D.E.O. isn't sunshine and rainbows. It's death and it's gore and it's making decisions of who to save and who to kill. It's me, it's the whole damned world, on the line. I've killed rogue agents, aliens, you name it. I have that blood on my hands and I have made my peace with it, okay? I've made peace with the fact that I've killed important people, I've killed <em>family</em>—"</p><p>Kara flinches at that. Alex swallows down Astra's name because she can't say it, not now.</p><p>"I made peace with what I had to become," Alex repeats again, softer this time and less slurred. The alcohol is starting to wear off and suddenly Alex feels cold and exposed and scared and small as she whispers, "but this, Kara? This is something completely different. I'm a doctor now, and a doctor is supposed to <em>save</em> lives but I can't do it."</p><p>She hangs her head as she closes her eyes, "even here—even <em>here—</em>I'm killing people."</p><p>Kara still doesn't speak as Alex's eyes tiredly flit upwards and she shrugs helplessly.</p><p>"I can't fight this fight," she rasps as she collapses back on the bed. "I can't fight it."</p><p>Kara doesn't question the depth behind her statement, and for that Alex is grateful.</p><p>Because even she doesn't know if she'd like the answer.</p><p>(She wouldn't).</p><p>* * * </p><p>Finally, three weeks later, Alex calls her mother for the first time since she'd left.</p><p><em>"Sweetie,"</em> Eliza says as she pops up on the small screen, dressed in her lab coat with Lena at her side. <em>"You okay?"</em></p><p>She forgets for a moment that Eliza doesn't know, that she never knew about the boy from the stars, with the sweetest smile and the cutest laugh and the most beautiful eyes. She doesn't know what Alex has lost because Alex hasn't spoken to her in what feels like years because time passes so differently now and she's <em>spiralling</em>—</p><p>
  <em>"Alex? You okay over there, honey?"</em>
</p><p>Alex looks to her, haggard and bone-dead and weary, but she still fakes a smile and a nod.</p><p>"Yeah, Mom. Just fine."</p><p>Just fine.</p><p>What a beautiful lie.</p><p>She hasn't called Lucy or Maggie since Gabriel died, and she doesn't reply to Kara's texts or emails (or fax—that's new). She hasn't spoken with Hamilton or Xu or anyone at the hospital because Alex is a ghost and Alex is hurting.</p><p>She's not fine. She wasn't ever really fine.</p><p><em>"Alex,"</em> Eliza calls her bluff, voice concerned and tired as she gazes upon her daughter. <em>"How are you </em>really<em> doing?"</em></p><p>Alex scoffs and looks down to the faint scratch in the kitchen table from where Xu had slammed his fist into the wood. She traces over the uneven markings and swallows the lump in her throat as she looks up, defeated and sad.</p><p>"I'm realizing how right you were," Alex whispers as she hangs her head. "I wasn't cut out for this, Mom."</p><p>Eliza gasps and shakes her head. <em>"Now, Alex, Director Gunthry and I are in communication almost every week and he tells me nothing short of fantastic things about you, about the progress you are making with the patients—"</em></p><p>"Progress?" Alex scoffs, shaking her head with a sardonic chuckle. "What progress?"</p><p><em>"Alex,"</em> Lena's voice soothes, her face filtering into the screen with a sympathetic expression. <em>"You are doing as best as you can on the frontlines. I can assure you, we've almost finished clinical trials with the vaccine. It should be ready within a few months, maybe even weeks if we can fast-track through the approval and distribution ethics."</em></p><p>"That's good," Alex rasps, but the compliment is empty and both women know it. "Thanks, Lee."</p><p><em>"Please take care of yourself,"</em> Eliza pleads as she looks over at her worryingly. <em>"You've lost weight, Alex."</em></p><p>Alex shrugs as she looks away, pushing down the tears welling in her eyes. "Yeah, I know."</p><p><em>"Don't lose hope,"</em> Lena tells her quietly.<em> "We're working hard to find an end to this, Al. Hang in there."</em></p><p>Alex doesn't reply. She just nods and rasps out that she has to go before she hangs up.</p><p>She doesn't need to tell them that she lost hope long ago.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Xu gets sick on the second day of the seventh month.</p><p>He'd been slow and lethargic for a week, but today he is wheezing and within hours he's in a hospital bed, and moments later he's diagnosed as positive and fuck—<em>fuck</em> that means that Alex and Hamilton could be positive.</p><p>The swab is painful but the test comes back negative and Alex sighs in relief. She turns to Hamilton to see if she feels the same, but when she turns, she sees Hamilton's face pale and her eyes water because her test is positive.</p><p>And fuck, Alex thinks, as Hamilton is told to go to the make-shift self-isolation stations, this is not fair.</p><p>* * * </p><p>That night, Alex comes home to an empty kitchen, an empty living space, an empty room.</p><p>Xu isn't there with his scotch and Hamilton isn't sleeping on the table.</p><p>No, Alex is alone, and Alex is reaching for the phone and Alex is crying as she calls her wives.</p><p>"I'm sorry," she sobs as Lucy and Maggie stare blankly back at her, "I'm s-so so sorry…"</p><p>Somehow, despite how she's been, her wives tell her that it's okay, that they're there, and they're not leaving.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Alex is told to self-isolate for fourteen days.</p><p>Her mind spirals after the first two hours.</p><p>* * * </p><p>On the third morning at 6:32am, Xu is pronounced dead.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Alex tells Lucy, and Lucy tells her the D.E.O. will take care of his family. Maggie is there beside her, whispering words of reassurance to Alex, who is numb, who is frozen because she's known Xu since she was a recruit, a scrawny, gangly thing. She's known Xu since she was shaking from withdrawals and detoxing from too many drugs at once.</p><p>Xu is dead.</p><p>He was fine just last week and it doesn't make sense because he was fine he, was breathing, he was <em>alive</em>—</p><p>But now he's dead.</p><p>Gone.</p><p>And Alex feels the weight bear down heavier than before.</p><p>* * * </p><p>There's no funeral.</p><p>There's no celebration of life.</p><p>Alex can picture it from where she is holed up in her room, staring at the window where Xu would sit. Her nails scratch at her skin as she tries to keep the images from her head, <em>failing</em> as she rocks back and forth manically.</p><p>A body in black plastic, tossed into the back of a refrigerated truck.</p><p>Another statistic.</p><p>Nothing more, nothing less.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Two weeks later, when Alex returns and doesn't think it could get worse, she's faced with another dilemma.</p><p>Save a four-year-old cancer patient or a sixty-year-old doctor.</p><p>The catch?</p><p>The kid is on track for remission.</p><p>The doctor is Hamilton.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Alex wishes she could put the decision in someone else's hands.</p><p>She wishes she didn't have to sign the D.N.R. papers on her clipboard.</p><p>She wishes she could unhear the sobs and the pleas and the desperation.</p><p>This isn't a decision she should make. This isn't a decision <em>anyone</em> should have to make.</p><p>She is no God.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Three days later, another child's blood stains her hands.</p><p>Hamilton is put on the ventilator because Hamilton is needed because too many doctors are nurses are dying and they can't be replaced fast enough and <em>Goddamnit</em> when will she finally be able to stop making these decisions—</p><p>Alex is tired.</p><p>She looks to her friend, to a woman who'd taken care of her from the beginning, and she's so damned tired.</p><p>* * * </p><p>She doesn't sleep that night. Or the next.</p><p>Time passes slower than before and Alex knows she's losing her mind.</p><p>* * * </p><p>
  <em>"I know it was a tough decision, Alex, but you made the right call."</em>
</p><p>"There is no right call, J'onn."</p><p>
  <em>"Alex—"</em>
</p><p>"There never is, not when one person lives and the other dies."</p><p>There's a pause. Static over the line, before J'onn clears his throat and looks at her worriedly.</p><p>
  <em>"You did your best—it's all you can do, Alex."</em>
</p><p>It's unconvincing at best and they both know it.</p><p>Alex calls him out. She's tired of keeping up appearances. She can't fake smiles or nods anymore.</p><p>Because she's tired and she is sick of watching life slip through her fingers.</p><p>So instead of reassuring him, Alex reaches for her scotch and takes a bittter swig.</p><p>"Yeah, but it wasn't good enough, was it? Never is."</p><p>* * * </p><p>A few days later shows J'onn's words speaking true.</p><p>Hamilton is weaned off the ventilator and back onto oxygen and is recovering.</p><p>For a moment, Alex is happy and Alex is relieved and Alex is calling her wives, calling Kara and J'onn and <em>rejoicing</em>—</p><p>But underneath, Alex is still tired.</p><p>* * *</p><p>She barely eats anymore.</p><p>A protein bar in the morning and some milk in the afternoon.</p><p>If she's lucky, a piece of fruit on a rare fifteen minute break.</p><p>Not for the lack of time, either.</p><p>Alex just isn't hungry anymore.</p><p>* * * </p><p>She's really tired. </p><p>She's really slow.</p><p>She's really sore.</p><p>* * *</p><p>A few days later, she coughs when she gets out of the shower and chalks it up to the antibacterial soap.</p><p>* * * </p><p>
  <em>"You look pale, Alex, are you eating and drinking enough?"</em>
</p><p>"I'm okay, Luce."</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know, Danvers. You look pretty shit."</em>
</p><p>"Always lovely, Mags, thank you."</p><p>
  <em>"Please, be careful."</em>
</p><p>"I am."</p><p>* * * </p><p>(She's not).</p><p>* * * </p><p>It goes like this:</p><p>Alex is fine. She's walking up the stairs to the pulmonary unit and she's out of breath but she's not gone on a run for eight months so she doesn't make much of it. She walks down the hall and she's huffing and she's puffing.</p><p>And then she's wheezing.</p><p>And then she's collapsing to the floor.</p><p>* * * </p><p>This time, the swab hurts more than before.</p><p>This time, the test is positive.</p><p>This time, Alex isn't so lucky.</p><p>
  <em>* * * </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They won't let me fly out to see you. J'onn has the D.E.O. on lockdown it isn't fair, Alex—"</em>
</p><p>"You c-can't."</p><p>Her voice is a crackling wheeze, like she's smoked eight packs a day and sliced her lungs into streamers. She's feverish and sweating in her bed while a doctor is giving her a plasma transplant from a recovered patient. She's got a mask on her nose but she can't get enough air in even as it is supplied through the mask and she feels like she's climbing Everest again and she's losing her vision because the air is too thin and her lungs are <em>not strong enough</em>.</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, listen to Little Danvers, okay? We can help you—"</em>
</p><p>"No, M-Mags."</p><p>Kara lets out a growl, tears sliding down her cheeks, angry and afraid. <em>"Damnit, we won't let you… </em>suffer<em> alone!" </em></p><p>Alex hears Kara stumble over the word. So does Maggie. So does Lucy.</p><p>None of them acknowledge it because they can't, they won't dare.</p><p>They all know what word Kara meant to say.</p><p><em>"Please,"</em> Lucy pleads as tears well in her eyes. <em>"Please, hold on, Alex."</em></p><p>And Alex nods because even though she can't promise, even though she knows anything could happen in a few minutes or hours or days, she will be strong for her girls because fuck at least she can give them that much.</p><p><em>"The vaccine's almost done,"</em> Lena's voice filters in next, worry staining her tone.<em> "Eliza and I are working hard."</em></p><p>Alex doesn't reply, because her strength is fading and her grip on her phone is loosening and her vision is darkening and she feels cold and alone and scared and she wants to go to sleep but if she does, she might not wake up—</p><p>(But after everything she's seen, is that really such a bad thing?)</p><p>Instead, she nods and she blinks away the morbid thoughts and Lena swallows down a cry.</p><p>Kara isn't as strong or brave.</p><p><em>"Alex,"</em> she pleads as she takes the phone from her wife's hands.<em> "Let me see you. Please. If I fly, I'll be there soon."</em></p><p>Alex looks at her through the screen, and damn if she only has the breath for a few more words, she'll use them because she's seen too much with too many people not getting to say what they need to say to their loved ones. She can see Kara ready to switch into her super-suit, to follow through on her words despite J'onn's calm hand on her shoulder. Her sister twists under his strong grip, muttering about how she should come, how Alex needs her.</p><p>But Alex can't risk them.</p><p>No matter her fear, no matter her pain, no matter the fevered thoughts running rampant in her mind, she relents.</p><p>"I love you," she rasps even if the words slice her throat and her lungs and her body burns. "L-Love you…"</p><p>Kara bursts into a sob and Maggie wails into Lucy's arms and Lena is muttering about the vaccine and Eliza is frozen in behind J'onn and Alex's vision is starting to blur from the tears and the exhaustion and she can feel it harder now.</p><p>She's fading.</p><p>* * * </p><p>When Alex thought of her death, she pictured many things.</p><p>1. A gruesome and sacrificial fight to save the ones she loved.</p><p>2. Old age, surrounded by love and happiness.</p><p>3. A freak accident caused by her own impulsive streak.</p><p>But never on that list, would Alex have put suffocating from her own lungs.</p><p>Never on that list, would Alex have put alone and afraid and cold.</p><p>* * * </p><p>The next morning, Alex is delirious as sunrise creeps into her bedroom. She coughs violently when her lungs seize.</p><p>Her heart monitor screams wildly and she knows her levels are declining and she's going to flatline and<em> oh God</em>—</p><p>She's crying and she's sobbing incoherently as her lungs splice open and her blood boils.</p><p>There are alarms going off and doctors in protective gear are surrounding her and prying her mouth open and telling her to relax even if they look two seconds from having panic attacks. Her jaw is pried open and she can hear words being shouted out between the muffled ringing of the machines in her ears. Something cold is shoved down her throat and Alex vaguely recognizes the feeling of intubation before she's wheezing and gagging and coughing.</p><p>Her pulse sky-rockets and she feels her limbs start to prickle and sting. Her eyes burn with tears and she's afraid.</p><p>She doesn't want to die.</p><p><em>Dear God, she doesn't want to die</em>.</p><p>Not like this.</p><p><em>Please,</em> she prays as she feels her insides try to eat her alive, <em>not like this.</em></p><p>* * * </p><p>Eventually, the pain is unbearable.</p><p>Alex closes her eyes and darkness surrounds her.</p><p>A hand reaches out to her, small and tan and Alex follows the arm up to the shining smile of her angel.</p><p>Gabriel takes her, glowing and bright and angelic as his namesake, and Alex feels the weight lift fully.</p><p>She follows him, her <em>son</em>, into the abyss.</p><p>And she is at peace.</p><p>* * * </p><p>It's all darkness.</p><p>Time passes, but she doesn't feel it.</p><p>Hours blend into days, which blend into weeks.</p><p>She is somehow aware and unaware at the same time.</p><p>* * * </p><p>And then, there are voices.</p><p>Muddled, pleading, loud and soft at the same time.</p><p>Calling out for her:</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, please, wake up."</em>
</p><p>* * *</p><p>Time passes some more.</p><p>She wanders between greys and blacks and whites.</p><p>Passing like an ethereal spirit between unseen lands.</p><p>But the voices are still there, muffled yet clear:</p><p>
  <em>"Alex, babe, it's time to wake up."</em>
</p><p>* * * </p><p>Gabriel takes her to the edge of the darkness, his eyes bright and clear.</p><p>Alex holds his hand and looks to him as she says, "I'm afraid."</p><p>"Don't be," he murmurs, smiling as his youth spills new energy and strength into her weathered soul. </p><p>Alex gulps, looking back to the edge. "Is it scary?"</p><p>Gabriel only smiles and shakes his head. "No."</p><p>Alex lets his words settle in her chest, starting a new flame, like kindling to a fireplace, roaring and spitting—</p><p>"I was not afraid," he says next, calmly and gently. "Neither should you be, Alex."</p><p>She turns to him, watching as his eyes grow wise and old.</p><p>He nudges her, gently and softly, filled with love and gratitude.</p><p>
  <em>"Wake up, Alex."</em>
</p><p>* * * </p><p>So she does.</p><p>* * * </p><p>And when she opens her eyes, the pain recedes.</p><p>Lena is at her side with a tablet, her mother hovering over her shoulder while looking worse for wear. Alex's eyes drift over to Kara asleep in a cuddle pile with her wives on the pullout bed beside her own, J'onn standing in front of them, ever stoic and protective. Her eyes flit back over to Lena, who's green eyes are steady and calm like the sea.</p><p>She tries to move her lips, to speak, but her mother smiles through glassy eyes and shakes her head.</p><p>"It's okay," Eliza soothes as she runs a hand through her hair with shaky fingers. "It's over, now."</p><p>Alex parts her mouth, trying to speak around the breathing tube in her lips, but Lena squeezes her shoulder.</p><p>"We did it," she whispers as she points to the used syringe on the tray table beside her I.V. line. "We won."</p><p>* * * </p><p>And they did win.</p><p>The vaccine is distributed to everyone, no expenses paid.</p><p>Weeks later, bans are lifted and people rejoice in the streets because they can finally hug and kiss each other.</p><p>The war is over and the time to celebrate is now.</p><p>* * *</p><p>And they do.</p><p>Fireworks, concerts, parades.</p><p>The world goes all out.</p><p>* * * </p><p>They won, but when Alex is released back to her home with a smattering of medals and glowing commendations, she knows she should feel a mixture of pride and relief. She knows she should feel happiness and elation.</p><p>She should kiss her wives with glee and make love until she can't breathe (in a good way).</p><p>But she doesn't celebrate.</p><p>How could she?</p><p>How could she celebrate when every time she closes her eyes, she sees bodies in bags in the backs of trucks? How could she celebrate when instead of cheering she hears wailing and wheezing? How could she celebrate when instead of the warmth of the sun on her face, she feels the cold steel of gurnies laden with the dead beneath her fingers?</p><p>How could she celebrate when instead of relief, all Alex feels is guilt?</p><p>Because there are millions celebrating but there are even more mourning.</p><p>In the span of the nine months, Alex watched nearly three thousand die.</p><p>She ended the lives of at least one-hundred of them.</p><p>How could she celebrate any of it?</p><p>* * *</p><p>Kara is sidled up beside her, hugging her and kissing her cheek and loving on her with pride and affection.</p><p>Lucy and Maggie are thanking Lena and Eliza and J'onn is holding M'gann and it all seems too <em>surreal</em>.</p><p>She doesn't hear Kara's words of encouragement or happiness or relief.</p><p>She doesn't feel the comfort of her sister's hugs or her head on her shoulder.</p><p>Because when Alex looks up, she sees Xu and Gabriel and hundreds others, staring back at her in silence.</p><p>* * * </p><p>That night, she dreams of the dead.</p><p>That night, she wakes up screaming, covered in sweat and tears and she's shaking—</p><p>"Alex?" Lucy murmurs as she rises from the bed. Maggie stirs from behind her, mumbling, "nightmare, babe?"</p><p>Alex doesn't reply to either of them.</p><p>She can't speak because she looks to her hands.</p><p>And all she sees is blood.</p><p>* * * </p><p>New York General offers her a full-time position.</p><p>She vomits when she gets the email with the details. She calls Hamilton and they go to a park and sit in silence because Hamilton gets the same email. The two of them don't speak, because they both know their answers.</p><p>The next morning, Alex deletes the email after she politely declines.</p><p>* * * </p><p>The world recovers and people move on.</p><p>Soon enough, it's as though this time was but a blip in the timeline of life.</p><p>There's no more mention of the havoc of the virus, of the countless lives lost.</p><p>There's no sympathy for the millions of doctors and nurses and front-line workers with harrowing trauma.</p><p>People move on.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Alex doesn't move on.</p><p>(Not now, but in time, with love and care and healing, she will).</p><p>(She has to).</p><p>* * *</p><p>Lucy and Maggie are concerned, but they don't get it.</p><p>Kara is supportive, but it isn't enough.</p><p>None of them have seen what she's seen, have felt what she's felt.</p><p>And yet, in a world where her loved ones are alive and happy and safe and healthy, Alex feels utterly alone.</p><p>* * *</p><p>Hamilton quits working at the D.E.O. a few weeks after the first-year anniversary of the vaccine's development.</p><p>She claims retirement and wanting to spend time with her family, but Alex sees past the lie.</p><p>She knows the bags under the woman's eyes are not from working long hours.</p><p>They're from sleepless nights and nightmares.</p><p>Alex knows, because she has the same bags under her own eyes.</p><p>So when the D.E.O. throws her a party and everyone celebrates, Hamilton and Alex stay in the back, shoulders brushing as they look onto the world they saved, to the families they've built and they've protected. Because even if she didn't don a gun and armour, Hamilton is every bit the warrior and soldier as each man and woman in the room.</p><p>Alex gives her a hug when she leaves and tells her to find peace.</p><p>Hamilton wishes her the same, but both of them know it's a fool's errand.</p><p>* * * </p><p>Everything is back to normal.</p><p>But Alex only has one question, every time she wakes up and looks to her wives. She asks the same question each time she pulls herself out of bed and away from the pain tugging on her limbs and pulling her into the darkness.</p><p>Because the world is back to normal but Alex <em>isn't</em>.</p><p>* * *</p><p>The war was won, yes.</p><p>But at what cost?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please keep our healthcare workers safe and give them love and support rn because they're going through some serious trauma and need help, too.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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